You began the workshop with a discussion of the presence of addictions in our lives, in particular consumerist addictions. I found myself initially reluctant and defensive. I remember you describing walking down the windows of a strip mall and wanting to know whether there was a single thing present in the displays which a human being actually needs. I thought (judgmentally) how odd it was that you were devoting your energy to the confines of a strip mall, which by land area or time spent represents but a small fraction of the domain of our human lives. And your hypothesis seemed particularly ill-suite to me, because I've made such significant progress in overcoming those addictions; after all, I live in Vermont and cut my own wood for heat.

However, I've learned that when I am judgmental or critical, it is generally because I am insecure about something. In this case, after reflection, I found two classes of addictions which are very much a part of my life: material possessions and defensive psychologies. Measured by total monetary value or weight, frankly, I have probably collected as much material possessions as most people whom I have met. And in the defensive psychologies category, I've come up with five huge ones: grandiosity, precociousness, judgment, progress, and security.

When I was discussing my personal addictions with another attendee later in the weekend, I realized that another helpful way to conceptualize these addictions is as false idols, used by us as obstacles to avoid the necessity and inevitability of God and our related impermanence. Indeed, I think it may be interesting to note the timeless character of addiction, as this is originally included as one/two of the ten commandments. Perhaps addiction and false idol worship are one of the constant and eternal ironic elements of our human condition. Conceptualizing addictions as false idol worship helped me to understand why I had inherently grouped together both material possessions and defensive psychologies as addictions. I realize that often in the Bible, the worship of false idols seems to be directed towards cat gods, moon goddesses, golden thrones, etc, rather than addictions or psychological defenses/habits as we've been discussing them. I'm not sure what to think about that.

I had asked you a question about what Jesus's perspective might be on the complete vs partial elimination of addictions, specifically in the context of his prayer teaching "Give us this day our daily bread." From your response the next day, it seemed that I may have done a poor job getting my point across, because I felt your response addressed something different. My point in asking the question concerned the possibility that perhaps our "bad" material and psychological addictions might not need to be completely eliminated or judged. Perhaps, in fact, I wondered whether it might be wise to accept certain material addictions as part of us, and to recognize the ways in which they contribute and detract from our lives wholistically. Perhaps we need not set to the task of categorical elimination. Perhaps we might be better served by accepting the virtuous and imperfect components of our personality. Each of us has both spiritual and physical elements of our being, so perhaps balancing out our spiritual work, for you by watching Hollywood movies or for my by driving around my RX-7 convertible, is an entirely healthy and god-bearing way of us living as human beings.

You raised the hypothesis that the problem of drug abuse will not be successfully dealt with if the more general problem of addictions is not addressed. I recognize the addictive component of drug use and certainly believe it is relevant for us to learn about our addictions, such as drug use or driving hot cars. However, is it more effective to understand the possible good and bad sides of each of our addictions, or to try to eliminate them? In my life, I am learning to live with myself as a physical human being who does like driving my RX-7, who is tempted by grandiosity and precociousness, and who is increasingly able to understand how these issues are related in positive and negative ways to my whole being, my world and community.

It seems possible that the same hypothesis might be applicable at a societal level as well. Can we eliminate our problems of drug abuse, crime, exploitation, pollution, jails, etc. with a scalpel? Is there an alternative where we learn to accept certain ironic and ugly components of our society as part of us? This is a bit harder for me to stomach, but I find value in considering it. I don't know.

Spiritual vs Economic Considerations

I found myself considering at the end of your workshop series what relative importance you might recommend giving to the spiritual versus physical/practical/economic considerations in a person's life. As Jenny or Sarah (you didn't say which daughter) so aptly questioned in response to your milestones in a god-bearing life, "But how do you do that?" Here we all are, beginning our lives as adults. Some of us have financial debt, some are relatively break-even, some of us have substantial assets. All of us intend to work, to eat, to sleep, to be generous with our energy and time to some extent; we all also intend to dedicate some of our time to the nurturing of our souls. I found myself wondering what kind of guidance you would give on these balances. It is not necessarily the case that you should or could give guidance on this topic. Yet it is an important one for us to consciously consider in our lives, and I am sure it is an important one for you as well. I wondered whether you are able to maintain a high intensity of spiritual work and also to be responsible for your own necessities in your life. I have found that for me thus far, I have tended to sway between concentrating primarily on economic/physical considerations at some times in my life, and concentrating primarily on spiritual considerations at other times. I don't know if this is unhealthy or just fine.

At times I found myself sensing from you an hypothesis whereby a liberal/radical social agenda and a spiritual life would allow the physical considerations to take care of themselves. Mostly I didn't know what your thoughts were on the subject, because it wasn't directly included in the workshops. I realize there is a limit to the amount which can be addressed in one weekend, and there is no need for you to feel like I'm suggesting that it should have been addressed. I'm writing about it because it's something I reflected on. I went on to reflect that I believe it is important and healthy to have a balanced life incorporating both physical and spiritual considerations, sometimes separately, sometimes in combination, sometimes even in conflict.

Scroll and Your Artwork

It was a real honor to have this chance to see some of your very personal artwork, and to see how you incorporate art, your worship, your spiritual development, and your professional work. I loved the scroll, everything on it from the beginning to the green livingness to the planets and the splash of YES. I was previously not aware of the artistic work you have been doing, or of your history as an art teacher. My artistic side is in my music (singing, guitar, and mandolin), writing, cooking, gardening, and economic implementation - I suppose in decreasing order of how much they are typically considered art.

Urgency

At the end of your final workshop at YAC, I asked specifically whether the urgency I sensed from you was an important element of your message or part of your presentation. Your response began by suggesting that you and many other modern artists feel that this is an apocalyptic time. You pointed out that this is supported by environmental considerations including overpopulation and overconsumption, as well as the development and accumulation of powerful military weapons. You then went on to say, however, that you do not believe people "change" based on that kind of urgency. Rather, the change can and should come from the sense of emptiness in their lives in contrast with the feeling of coming alive.

Here is one point where I disagree. I believe that the sense and intensity of urgency which is often expressed is neither new nor more relevant today than in times past. Indeed, I think it is an important observation/feeling but generally indicates more about the person feeling it than the society in which he is living.

The North American Church

I hardly feel qualified to claim significant value for my observations on this subject. But it was certainly inspiring and thought-provoking, so hence these reflections.

I believe that you specified your definition of the North American Church in this context as including only the non-catholic Christian churches. You identified several problematic issues in the North American Church, including a high percentage of clinically depressed pastors, the presence of fear, a misunderstanding of Jesus, and the prevalence of addictive behaviors. You also noted that churches tend to fall prey to the temptation to thinking the god-bearing life has more to do with the physical church building, its rituals, committees, budgets, etc, than to the actual experience of God, Jesus, and the personal/community Kingdom. "God's Judgment is on the North American Church. I don't know whether the Church of the Brethren will survive. But the Kingdom of God is fine," you said. You noted that the membership of The Church of the Brethren (as well as other churches) have been dwindling rapidly. You said that the membership may have to be even more drastically reduced before the Kingdom of God will unfold again for the Church, and that it may have to close its physical doors entirely and begin meeting in people's homes. The tie-in to Bullworth here was great. "Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla. Any questions?" And how can I ever forget the buried Russian? This was all extremely interesting and well-articulated.

You stated that the new church is more culturally and racially diverse, and that economics will be more shared. I'm very curious about your thoughts on these subjects. I feel like we just scratched the surface I'm also very curious about your thoughts on how the new church incorporates other religious traditions. I've been to a few Unitarian churches but they seemed to be spiritually less alive than many of the more Christian churches I have seen (which I wouldn't necessarily describe as ultra strong spiritual places either).

You said that the Church may not be able to see Jesus without closing its doors because it believes it already sees him. Later, you also told the story of Peter denying Christ, and then as a part of that denial, finally seeing him. I don't necessarily see why physically closing the physical church would be analogous to Peter's denial (of course, you didn't directly say it would be either). Having a different "non-institutional" format for the learnings and worship - ie in people's homes - seems independent of whether we deny, accept, reject, or understand Jesus. A new church could change its physical conditions and membership but never question its perspective on Jesus. On the other hand, it seems almost as possible for the church to have a born-again experience without leaving its physical conditions. But in either case, the question I want to ask is why you say the church may have to close its physical doors, rather than that the church may have to openly deny Jesus?

I suppose in my own life I am probably in the first or second denial of Jesus; I'll probably have more perspective on this once I read the new testament closely in a couple years.

Born-Again Experiences

The clip from The Matrix provided some very interesting perspective for examining the issue of born-again experience. You stated that you thought this scene was the best modern expression/description of the born-again experience. I hope you don't mind that I continue to use the phrase in a somewhat more secular context, as it was in the movie, rather than as a realization of Jesus Christ as a personal savior.

I agree that several components of the born-again experience were expressed well in the clip, in particular its wholistic nature and the related insights into causality and one's own particular history and workings. The one missing component for me was that this kind of experience is not a one-time experience; indeed, we can repeatedly experience it as we recognize our mortality and embrace our present moment. I've had some moments of tremendous inner upheaval and related spiritual awakening, the first and hugest one being six years ago. (Actually I wrote about this as part of my senior thesis work at Hampshire College. Here's the sentence as quoted in my thesis that started it all, which my friend - "Laura" - said to me one day on a hike in the Olympic Mountains in Washington: ...She says, hurt and angry but covering it up a little, ``I can see what it is now. You claim to be the most accepting person in the world; claim it's the most important thing. But I think you're the least accepting! You might be allowing, but you are definitely not accepting!''... Yikes. She was right and I finally saw it.) Later, my defenses began to find new expression, and in some sense the major changes of being born-again, and the experience of it, stopped.

More recently in the past few years, I have more gradually approached that vulnerable, powerful, spiritual space where being born again lives. I approach it in moments in my therapy, in my writing, in my meditation, in my meditation, in prayer, in reading the bible and in engaging in difficult relationships. Sometimes the experience is fairly vivid and walks with me; sometimes it is more distant. I suspect that in general, the one-time born again experience necessarily fades like the potential of going cold turkey on an addiction. I now suspect that the more gradual process of being and becoming, on the route to the present and awakening, is the sustainable one, and the temporary all-encompassing one we find in Flowers for Algernon is neither necessary nor more valuable.

...Damn her, damn me, damn whatever I'd figured out before, damn my habits, and damn the future. What the hell do you do when you are so convinced that your ways help other people but the evidence mounts that they do not? All I could do was walk to the bottom of the hill sharing the blaring silence with Laura, who was a genius who should go to hell and heaven...