A Visit To The School For Self-Determination in Moscow, Russia

Click on writing link to left, to see the index to all the parts. You are viewing part VIII.

November 23rd, Midnight

I am writing from Barcelona. I have left Russia on my scheduled flight, and now I am on my way back to the United States.

Last night Lyudmila and I stayed up late: talking, dancing (a tiny bit), reading, watching movies from Tubelsky's school. One thing we talked about was how I correct people's language or behavior. I explained that I thought I was giving people feedback that they could use or not, that I think everyone wants feedback of new words and ideas to describe themselves; I also explained that I think it's important to develop the ability to 'switch' into teacher or learner mode very briefly, then to switch back to whatever one was doing before. One advantage of this is that when a problem comes up, it's corrected right away, and never comes up again - in contrast to if it is ignored, it will come up again and again forever. On the other hand, it seems to separate me from others.

This morning Lyudmila and I met up with Anton around 11am and walked with him around Moscow for a while, then we all went to the airport. I found myself being critical of them, typical of me, trying to provide feedback, unable to just relax and accept the pleasure and pain of the relationships and the transition.

I told Lyudmila that I thought she was not trying to come up on her own with the understanding of what I was talking about. That didn't seem quite right though. But for some reason she just wasn't able to think when she was listening to me. Her head was all full of something - emotions or ideas? I said "You are trying to do me a favor and I don't want it." We talked about that a bit; the connotations of doing someone a favor for Russians seem to be rather negative so Lyudmila had some strong reactions. I thought that maybe what was going on was that when she had disappointment or anger or something that she wanted to share, she was always hiding it because she thought she was supposed to listen to me - so I encouraged her to just say those things, to take ownership to be true and real in the conversation. One of the most wonderful things about Lyudmila was that she was willing to try out my ideas. She often thought they were wrong, but she was willing to think about them and to try them and then come up with a judgment. She didn't just insist that because I suggested it, the only response for her would be to rebel, refuse, or try to hurt me.

The thing is that when people have those reactions with me, they think I am wanting to hurt them in the conversation. I think this is not accurate. I am just sharing what is on my mind, even if it is socially unacceptable and gives them the "option" to pull the mind-your-own-business card. So I think I am actually the one doing the favor when I say those things. I'd probably be better off if I could figure out a way that it could be neither one doing the favor.

Another thing that came up in that conversation was she said, "I want to know what it was that caused you to have that idea about me doing favors. Was it something I did, something today, something now, something yesterday, something earlier?"

I said, "It's impossible to think about both where the idea came from and whether it's true. We have to choose, either we are going to think about whether it's true or valuable or helpful; or else we can try to figure out where it came from, but I think it's maybe impossible to do both and certainly impossible to do both at once." I’m not sure whether I was right or not.

"But I know it's not true,” she protested. “It's my feeling whether I'm doing a favor or not, so I know what is going on for me," she said.

"I don't think so," I replied. "There is no sure way to ever know whether anything is true. You're no more able to know what is going on with you than I am. The human mind can never have a guarantee of seeing itself (or another person) - we can just investigate ideas and see whether they are good or not, doing this investigation alone or together."

In that interaction, I was willing to take on several roles: providing insight/feedback, and governing the method of discourse; in similar situations where I have taken on roles like that with other people, they often get highly reactive. Lyudmila was somewhat reactive, but she was willing to let that reactivity go and liked the idea of trying out me in those roles.

I also gave feedback to Anton. The two biggest ones I will describe here. When I was correcting minor things in his grammar/etc (like when he said "orphan house" instead of orphanage) I corrected him, then he said "yes yes yes" - but did not repeat the correct word. So I said to him, "It would be better if when I correct your English, if you repeat the phrase correctly, rather than saying "yes, yes, yes" (he said ok) - then, concerning the other one, that day he had been talking about the value of "just doing something" instead of thinking it through, but then after "just doing it" learning what went wrong - in fact, he had explained that this was part of the educational philosophy of the film school. It was a nice insight.

I said, "Do you think you put enough attention to evaluating the results of what you do, or do you just always rush on to the next thing?" He said he evaluated, and gave an example of how he was in contact with a Russian animator. I didn't totally follow why it was connected. Anyhow, I said, "Well, I have a piece of feedback I would like to offer you about today. When someone is going to the airport, it's probably good to assume that they will have bags - or at least that they might, so you should ask them, before planning a long walk from one place to another." (He had proposed that we go for a “short walk” earlier to a subway stop in one direction, rather than just boarding the subway, and I had gone along, carrying all my bags longer than I had expected to.) In general, I think Anton can be a bit overconfident in his spontaneity. I am all for being spontaneous, but I think it is fine to have something come up spontaneously, then consider it thoughtfully then act on it spontaneously, and it has all the advantages of the spontaneity and also all the advantages of thinking ' - once this skill has been developed! (Today, when I said that, Anton apologized and simply said that he thought it would be a nice walk - which it was and I said so. He became somewhat pensive from that point on, but I was careful to give him some eye contact and attention so that he could see that I wasn't devaluing him when I corrected him; I value his mind and actions and heart all tremendously and yet I am also able to share the feedback ideas that arise for me.)

As I am thinking about it now, maybe I just tried to fit too much into ten days. Relationships require both parties to take risks, make sacrifices, and relationships also take familiarity and trust that can only come with time.